Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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