I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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