I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
