Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
