I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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