Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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