man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
