I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize
