i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
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