just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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