Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
