I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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