just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
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