That's when you crack a 10am beer
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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