It's like a parade of train wrecks.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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