There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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