i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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