im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Randomize
