I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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