I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
20 People Who Caught Their Significant Others Cheating and Hand Over Some Major Karma
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
33 Memes You’ll Find Uncomfortably Relatable If You’ve Ever Been Through A Messy Breakup
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage