That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
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Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
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There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.