Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
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how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
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I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize