my phone needs a breathalizer
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
