i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
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