I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
