I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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