My friends, they love my intelligence
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
