she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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