did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Houston, we have a blender
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
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