I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
You have to summon your inner elephant
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
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