awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
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Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
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Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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