Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Randomize
