R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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