so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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