Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
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