I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
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He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
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I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
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