It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Floor bacon is actually really good
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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