Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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