what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Randomize
