the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
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