Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
