well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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