I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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