How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Randomize
