I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
