It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
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