Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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