Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
