Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
