dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
