i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Randomize
