were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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