at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
