If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
