I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
