Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
